Monmouth County's Ask the Doctor

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Narcissists will simply do it until they break you of all that confidence and security that made you attractive to him to you in the first place. A narcissist will triangulate whenever he senses that you feel a little too comfortable in your own skin or relaxed within the relationship. For exam- ple, if he starts a new job, he’ll triangulate by casually mentioning – just one too many times – the bubbly receptionist and how much she reminds him of his ex or his sister or even you. He may let it slip that he shared a secret with her in confidence that only you had known about or worse, in the middle of a fight bringing that third person into it. Now you are wondering what secret did he share with her, what is he saying about me to a stranger? In the mean- time you are feeling anxious and angry and betrayed. A narcissist will triangulate you with a girl, a guy, his mother or some oth- er relative, a co-worker, a newly acquired acquaintance (that you will never meet), the landlord, a neighbor, the bartender, his boss…it goes on and on. The intention, as always, is to ultimately trauma bond you to the madness. The narcissist will never let you relax. It’s completely normal for a couple to expect to share stories and have con-

H E A L T H Y M I N D & S O U L

versations about co-workers and friends…but nothing about these conversations are normal. Everything involving a narcissist has a slightly sinister edge to it. He can take a perfectly normal behavior – such as chatting amicably with his partner about casual events – and turn it upside down. It’ll be the passive-aggressive way he slips his clues into conversations or it’ll be the inflection in his voice or the atti- tude with which he says it. Above all else, it’ll be the strange way that whatever he is saying is making you feel. Triangulation is intended to make you doubt not only your importance in the narcissist’s life but your importance in the world in general. It’s a master tactic in the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda and it is intended to wreck you. Triangulation may manage down your expectations of the relationship to the point that you become quietly complacent because you’re not about making a big deal out of nothing. The sad fact is that triangulation becomes just another part of the nonsense that victims become addicted to. When, in fact, it should compel us to leave, it does the exact opposite. We instead become obsessed with holding on to our “position.” We completely forget what is and isn’t a “normal” part of romantic human interaction. In the context of narcissism, triangulation occurs when the narcissist attempts to control the flow, interpretation, and nuances of com- munication between two separate actors or groups of actors. Common scenarios include a parent attempting to control communication between two children, maybe even pitting one against the other, or an emotionally abusive partner attempting to control communication between the other partner and the other partner's friends and family. A narcissistic person wants to ensure the other actors communicate through them but remain otherwise isolated. In some cases, narcissists will use control of communication to drive a wedge between the other parties. This can be done by falsely making one of the actors or groups of actors into a scapegoat for problems that the narcissist is actually responsible for or that are otherwise unrelated. In addition, the narcissist may falsely credit the other actor with saying or thinking something hurtful, or may put too much emphasis on an aspect of something that was said to them that ignores the wider context. Alternatively, the narcissist may attempt to use triangulation to put a third actor between them and someone with whom they are commonly in conflict. Rather than communicating directly with the actor with whom they are in conflict, the narcissist will send communication supporting his or her case through a third actor in an attempt to make the communication more credible. Here are two examples of narcissistic behavior- Will and Anna have been together for a few months. During this time, Will showered Anna with affection, attention, and plenty of gifts. Anna had fallen madly in love withWill, and there was talk of marriage and babies and an amazing future. He told her he loved her, that she was perfect, and that they were meant for each other. For the last month, however, Anna has noticedWill is texting less than he used to, barely answering her questions, and is otherwise being extremely vague. Sometimes his stories change, especially regarding where he has been and whom he was with. He even started blaming her for things that are not her fault. She is aware that Will has a new friend, Lindsay that he knows through work. Sometimes, Will compares her to Lindsay, and she tells Will it hurts her feelings, but he responds by telling her that she’s jealous and there’s nothing to worry about. Unbeknownst to Anna, Lindsay believes she is in a new relationship with Will. Sometimes he texts Anna in front of Lindsay, but tells Lindsay not to worry about it. In the end, both women are jealous of each other and vie for Will’s attention. Meanwhile, Will gets plenty of attention and drama to fuel his need to control the situation. A mother might unnecessarily bring a third party, another sibling, into a conflict with another of her children. The third party thus becomes the voice for the mother. She does this for control. She wants to control the dialogue with her lies so she can be the victim, thus making one of the siblings, the victimizer. She creates this division so the child she manipulates will do all her bidding and attack the other sibling for her while she keeps her hands clean, for such reasons like, she doesn’t mess up her visits with her grandchildren.

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ASK THE DOCTOR

SUMMER 2020