The Millstone Times May 2020

♥ HEALTH  &  WELLNESS

Triangulation in Relationships By Pam Teel

Triangulation is a manipulation tactic where one person will not communicate di- rectly with another person, instead using a third person to relay communication to the second, thus forming a triangle. It also refers to a form of splitting in which one person manipulates a relationship between two parties by controlling communication between them. It may manifest itself as a manipulative device to engineer rivalry between two people, known as divide and conquer, or playing one (person) against another. I’m sure we’ve all been in these kinds of situations before but how far does one go before it esca- lates above the norm? According to Zari Ballard, a Narcissist Abuse Recovery (NAR) Coach and the found- er of Narcissistic Personality.com, (with many books, radio broadcasts and blogs on the subject), this passive-aggressive manipulation tactic is commonly used by narcissists and sociopaths to instill feelings of jealousy and insecurity in their partners. It’s a tactic by which narcissists can create thrilling illusions of popularity, making them out to be far busier and more socially in demand outside of the relationship than they really are. This narcissistic strategy, like all the others, slips quietly into the relationship over time so that you – the loving partner – barely know it is happening until you to get “that feeling.” When the narcissist triangulates, victims find themselves feeling jealous of people,

places, and things that, under normal circumstances, wouldn’t warrant a second glance. If you’ve always known the narcissist to be a loner, triangulation makes it appear that you’ve been wrong all along. If the narcissist has always had “friends,” triangulation is used to milk his popularity for all it’s worth. Either way, the desired result is that you feel anxious, suspicious, and insecure about every little thing. You may even begin to feel guilty about your jealous thoughts and doubtful of your ability to act “normal.” When and if you do confront the Narcissist about your suspicions, they’ll say your delusional or bi-polar. They will never admit to anything at all. Narcissist always triangulate – even if you don’t know they’re doing it. Patient as always, the Narcissists will simply do it until they break you of all that confidence and security that made you attractive to him to you in the first place. A narcissist will triangulate whenever he senses that you feel a little too comfortable in your own skin or relaxed within the relationship. For example, if he starts a new job, he’ll triangulate by casually mentioning – just one too many times – the bubbly receptionist and how much she reminds him of his ex or his sister or even you. He may let it slip that he shared a secret with her in confidence that only you had known about or worse, in the middle of a fight bringing that third person into it. Now you are wondering what secret did he share with her, what is he saying about me to a stranger? In the meantime you are feeling anxious and angry and betrayed. A narcissist will triangulate you with a girl, a guy, his mother or some other relative, a co-worker, a newly acquired acquaintance (that you will never meet), the landlord, a neighbor, the bartender, his boss…it goes on and on. The intention, as always, is to ultimately trauma bond you to the madness. The narcissist will never let you relax. It’s completely normal for a couple to expect to share stories and have conversations about co-workers and friends…but nothing about these conversa- tions are normal. Everything involving a narcissist has a slightly sinister edge to it. He can take a perfectly normal behavior – such as chatting amicably with his partner about casual events – and turn it upside down. It’ll be the passive-aggressive way he slips his clues into conversations or it’ll be the inflec- tion in his voice or the attitude with which he says it. Above all else, it’ll be the strange way that whatever he is saying is making you feel. Triangulation is intended to make you doubt not only your importance in the narcissist’s life but your importance in the world in general. It’s a master tactic in the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda and it is intended to wreck you. Triangulation may manage down your expectations of the relationship to the point that you become quietly complacent because you’re not about mak- ing a big deal out of nothing. The sad fact is that triangulation becomes just another part of the nonsense that victims become addicted to. When, in fact, it should compel us to leave, it does the exact opposite. We instead become obsessed with holding on to our “position.” We completely forget what is and isn’t a “normal” part of romantic human interaction. In the context of narcissism, triangulation occurs when the narcissist attempts to control the flow, interpretation, and nuances of communication be- tween two separate actors or groups of actors. Common scenarios include a parent attempting to control communication between two children, maybe even pitting one against the other, or an emotionally abusive partner attempting to control communication between the other partner and the other partner's friends and family. A narcissistic person wants to ensure the other actors communicate through them but remain otherwise isolated. In some

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